Schemes active/complete: 12
Money made: £0.16
So I’ve only gained 5p since the last post, and that was found on the cold, wet ground from still walking around looking like I have a crick in my neck (#61), yet despite this I’ve actually been a pretty busy boy. The list of schemes is unflinchingly daunting, 232 ideas and growing, impossible to know where to start, and it’s occurred to me that rushing in willy-nilly writing little spooky stories isn’t the most efficient approach, so over the past 48 hours I’ve taken a step back and concentrated on some of the more boring schemes which are beneficial to get active early.
Currently my phone’s not making me any money; for a piece of technology which permanently lives by my side, this is unacceptable. The idea behind Scheme #26 is to Have adverts appear on your phone’s lock screen, so that every time you check your faithful 4G companion you’re getting a tiny financial crumb. It’s the perfect app to have running and earning in the background especially if, like me, your phone is constantly within arm’s reach from the moment you wake up resignedly stating “you fucker” at the blaring tone of your alarm to stalking the Facebook profiles of your primary school classmates until you fall asleep.
Whilst there are plenty of options available for an Android phone, it’s actually incredibly difficult to find an iOS app which lets you whore out your lock screen. Slidejoy and Fronto are both allegedly working on an Apple-friendly version as we speak, but my research suggests that the only equivalent you can sneak onto an iPhone is Qustodian.
The bad news keeps coming. On the app store Qustodian has a mountain of negative reviews, and when I downloaded it I was informed that:
Still I signed up and set my interest in all categories to their upper limit so as to maximise the number of potential adverts I might be exposed to, as well as accepting notifications from the app any time day or night (all done via your individual profile which is referred to as a “Yoad” for some reason). And yet, 24 hours on, not a single advert has reared its ugly but profitable face, Qustodian has just sat malingering on my phone slightly slowing it down. I’ll keep an eye on it and report any activity, maybe it’s just shy and needs to start socialising at its own pace.
I moved on to how I could get my laptop doing something similar: Scheme #16: Get paid to Google. Over the next few weeks and months I’ll be having to Google how to whittle walking sticks to sell, where the nearest farm show contest which pays cash prizes for monstrously large vegetables is, and flocks of other such batshit lunacy, so it makes sense to find a way in which this itself can generate some cash.
All I was after was a simple toolbar extension that discreetly pocketed a little something for each search I performed, but this was not so easy to find. Bing Rewards Scheme (now dubbed Microsoft Rewards) is only available in the USA, for example. Scour.com claims to be a search engine all of itself which recompenses you for using it, but under closer examination shows no signs of paying up, completely falls down as a Google replica (as a test I searched Scour for “anything” and it came up with 0 results…) and the Wikipedia page for Scour Inc includes the sub-header “sour redirect virus.” As for Interadmedia, small print explains the deal to be “you get paid $0.001 for every minute you are actively searching online. Once you have $25 in your account you can cash out, which will be paid to you via PayPal.” That means using it solidly for an hour a day, every day, for 14 months. Surely there’s an easier option?
Thankfully there’s Qmee which, so far at least, seems to perform the exact function I want from this Google Chrome extension, namely to sit silently in the corner making me money. You’d hardly know it was there besides occasionally a sidebar appearing with some suggested adverts, triggered by specific Google searches, and clicking on these links slowly adds dosh to your virtual piggybank. They chuck 10p in as a good will gesture just for signing up and you can cash out at any time, so I’ll leave this running for the foreseeable to exploit my constant frenetic Googling of how the hell I’m going to achieve all these schemes.
I was more sceptical of my next online method which was simply Scheme #130: Login to paidtologin.com. This seemed suspiciously simple – sign up and log in to this website once a day and earn a microscopic fee each time. Even if the daily yield was hilariously, impossibly minuscule, it would gradually amass and seemed an obvious candidate for making easy money if logging in only took 10 seconds out of your schedule each time. Plus, amazingly, a Qmee-subsidised Google search seemed to imply that paidtologin wasn’t even a scam!
Yesterday I created my paidtologin account and saw my wallet began on $0.001. I was cynical logging in again today and my ill-ease was confirmed – my earnings had only increased another $0.001. Whilst you are paid to login, you’re earning one/thousandth of a dollar each time. If you did this religiously every day for 3 years, you’d be on the equivalent grand total of 90p. And if that wasn’t bad enough on my second visit to the site I was interrupted by this message:
Paidtologin is Going to Pay Everyone
You already have viewed as withdraws are not processed and yes due to lacks of funds, where does come from this lack of funds ? It mainly comes from bad trades ( right now i have a trading system that i’m publishing its signals and so you’ll see how it will behave with time ) and hacks. So at today i’m not going to pay you because i don’t have such money and i could disinvest everything just to give you a third of what you have matured right now.
This discouraging gibberish continues for a while longer before closing with the advice “Don’t worry, don’t run and don’t disinvest all your earning units just keep logging and earning on them, all will be paid to you.” It won’t though, will it? Paidtologin is an utter sham. I cannot even begin to fathom the fury of someone who had been signing in every day for a decade, finally decided enough was enough and they were cashing out their £3, and then was confronted with that message. This is the first scheme I can safely say, fuck this, it doesn’t work.
Between PaidToGetSwindled, and Weegy constantly badgering me about Pythagoras, I was growing weary of solely online schemes so applied for something more tangible. Scheme #154: Queue for quids – the busy or impatient (and, I should imagine, disgustingly wealthy) will allegedly pay you for queuing up for them. I don’t think this service is meant for stubby queues at cashpoints or Greggs, rather more for new games consoles or festival tickets.
Don’t go thinking this is some vacuous idea suggested by a site but never acted upon. In New York exist the ‘Same Ole Line Dudes’, a “professional line sitting and line management business” who charge $25 an hour to sit down and occasionally shuffle forward so you can get your latest iPhone without having to camp out at 4am with a bunch of Steve Jobs worshippers. An identical service runs in China where it’s known as Paotui (literally “the running legs”). Li Qicai, the creator of Paotui, says of his business “You don’t need any skills, except the ability to suffer”, which is a startlingly accurate description of all of the projects I do.
As for the UK our only version is Q4U, and I have contacted them on both Facebook and Twitter offering myself up for any future jobs. However the first source I found suggesting I make money by idly standing about recommended I advertise my Line Sitting on Bidvine.com which I set up late last night. I must say Bidvine are nothing if not enthusiastic, as by lunchtime today I’d received a phone call, a voice message and 2 emails from them badgering me for more information about my incredibly unambiguous proposition.
All bullshit by the way of course, I hate queuing and I have the patience of a lit stick of dynamite, but all I need is one local weekend job from this and at £20/h I could be bringing in some serious capital.
I think that just about covers everything, besides the fact I’ve also started collecting empty toilet roll tubes (Scheme #126: Collect and sell empty toilet roll tubes.) This naturally sounds like the sort of factoid slipped into conversation by someone experiencing a shattering nervous breakdown but supposedly there’s money to be made selling cardboard tubes en masse for arts-and-crafts purposes, so I’m going to have to dedicate a corner of my tiny flat to a toilet roll tower.
The only development upon existing ploys is that deeper research into scheme 41 had me realise that the copper from Day 2 was correct, police stations no longer use the traditional culprit identity parade. Instead, like everything these days, it’s done virtually, specifically by VIPER (Video Identification Parade Electronic Recording). Something tells me they only put those 5 words in that order so their acronym sounded cool and scary but I’m certainly not going to tell them that, instead I emailed them to ask if I could schedule a paid session to become part of their database and await further instructions.
So excitingly there’s a lot of monetary irons in the fire! Hopefully this time next week I’ll be juggling queues, identity parades, paid socialising and funerals of people I’ve never met whilst the quality duo of Qustodian and Qmee quickly and quietly acquire me quids. Or perhaps I’ll just be on a total of 17p having fished a penny from a puddle of shite.